Hey supp blog. Lol, blog's layout changed I guess, you looked different. More gorgeous maybe. Ahh, talking about it makes me feel innocent, feeble and defenseless. My facebook profile switched to timeline version against my WILL.  I hate timeline, it's so messy and complicated, and no. I don't wanna get used to it. =.= screwed facebook.

I can't believe I'm still such an asshole. why Why WHY WHYY?? Wai you tetris and no do homework miki? Why can't you produce a simple article? Why aren't you doing your boards? And why are you typing this shit when no one is gonna give a damn? I'm so sickly pathetic. I feel so regret for starting relationships when I knew crystal clear that not a piece of shit is gonna work out. Ha, I know what you're thinking. DON'T TELL ME TO STOP LOOKING BACK COZ' I LOVE LOOKING BACK AND REMINISCING MY MISTAKES. You either read it. or. leave now. No offence. Though clearly that's a rude offence. Ah, whatever.

I'm tired of you, control freak, demand-er, childish, lunatic, stubborn, annoying. Just look at yourself, you're no better than them. Overreacting , shouting, dramatic response, jumping like your mama just died. I'm mean and evil. You molded me as what I am today. I hated you. Pardon me if I'm spreading negative aura and thoughts. I just need to express. I found out last month that I can no longer share my secrets with my sister and mother. They will never understand how I feel, leave alone catching the meaning of my words.

Everyone is so unreliable these days. Well, I a Christian but forgive me for mentioning karma. I'm so fcking awesome at keeping secrets and why can't the people I tell my problems can keep their big mouth sealed?
I need an anger management therapy. My patience level dropped spectacularly. Really, I wanna be like Adeline. Or maybe IR Han. I've never seen these two person vent their anger at any single being.

People who read my blog will realize there's element of wikipedia here. Coz there are lotsa words but they are all rubbish and meaningless. AR Perumal said wikipedia contains a lot of garbage inside, information that has no point, or even if it does the article was lengthen and flourished with unnecessary bombastic words.

But I feel there are points here, just that there are not in order. I just typed any words that popped up in my head. And yes, I said I hated you and I mean it. Bye. 

I'm Aging Along with Time

So it has been 3days now. I'm aware that what have been happening these few days weren't dreams at all.. 

My aunt passed away on the 23rd feb, Thursday at around 11pm. She's not exactly my real aunt to be precise. She's a friend of my mom for 30 over years who stayed with us.

She's single. No kids. 

You know? I can tell that 'the time' is coming soon. But I still wish and hope and pray that this is not the first and last picture that I'm gonna take with her. It's really like a dream. Everything seem so surreal and bizarre. Maybe because it's happening too fast. I was back at Penang for sem break on the 10th January 2012 till the 3rd February. The fact about no matter how much time you spent with the people who are important to you and telling them how much you love and appreciate them, it's never gonna be enough. 

After class on the 24th Feb, I rushed back all the way to Penang. Just to hear that when she left the night before, no one was there for her. No one.. When her relatives arrived the doctors have already wrapped her body up. It's pain. I'm in pain. Earlier 2days she's begging the doctor to let her go home. But her condition was so severe that the doc wouldn't release her. 

Last night, late at night, I was trying to convince myself that I'm not dreaming. Memories are so cruel. They came to drown me as if my tears weren't enough to suffocate myself. Irony. 

I remember how she would carry me around her neck to nursery when it was raining heavily. I remember how she brought me out to play with other kids. I remember how she hum and sing to make me sleep. I remember how she let me finish her favourite green pea snack. She'll cook what I feel like eating. She'll take the public bus with me when I overslept for school, so mom wouldn't scold. She'll give me pocket money when she affords it. She washed my clothes for me when I was younger. She sewed my buttons for me. 

Despite the time when we hurled hurtful words at each other, I still love her. Still miss her. Now she's gone, like forever. She's never gonna come back anymore. No one's is gonna cook amazing dishes when I'm back for sem break.. I won't be able to see her anymore.

Yea, it may be something good for her. She doesn't have to suffer from her illness anymore. I dunno what exactly I'm feeling now. It's not from this incident that I've learnt to give gratitude to who and what I have.

I've know that long ago. 

Everyone is racing and aging with time. Although I know that I should treasure the time I have and make full use of it, but I still waste uncountable seconds of it. Hate myself sometimes.

The only regret I have is, we've never taken a family picture together. With my mom, aunt, sis, brothers and me. And our so called 'family reunion dinner' is not even a real one. We don't sit down and eat together. We eat separately depending on who's hungry first. *sigh*

I just need more time, and honestly I feel that I'm resilient enough to handle this myself. 

OKAY! So some of my negative aura have been released. I'll be okay. Everything will be fine. :)

Alone doesn't mean that you're a loner. It doesn't mean that you're pathetic, it just mean you're strong enough to take the courage to be independent.
I find that being alone is nothing wrong, especially shopping, eating, being in the cinema. Maybe sometimes, not all the time for some people, but for me it's an anytime-fine-thing-to-do.
At least, when you're trying on clothes and those clothes can't fit you, you won't feel embarrassed. And that when you try on a shoe, nobody will tell you if it's too tight and that your toes are visible as if you don't know, as if you yourself can't feel it or see it. Fucking annoying. Nobody will laugh incredulously when you tell them your feet are size 4/5, and telling you're size 6 instead like you don't know that for the past 18years.
You get to walk how fast and slow as you like. You don't have to wait , or at least make people wait for you when you wanna stop to look at something. It's a totally free and light thing to do. No burden, no humiliation, to comments, no nothing. It's just a day off with "yourself".
When you're watching a melancholy and sad movie don't need to worry people seeing you cry. You can totally cry your heart out. I know if you're watching a comedy movie nobody will laugh with you, well then laugh with the crowd.
If you order a lot of food and finish them off, nobody will remind you that it's fattening and that you're gonna gain weight. No need to share your food with anyone."PLS FORGET ABOUT SHARING IS CARING" And if you can't finish them instead, no one will say you're wasting food. You can always take away, h-e-l-l-o?
Sleep alone, no one will take away your blanket, or fist your face, or take 3/4 or even 4/4 of your bed. You get to snore and roll around as you like.
Working out alone, can go on our own pace, coz we know how far our stamina can take us. Why needa let the better ones show us how good they can do it, or worse, wait for us if we're slower?

Maybe turn it around to another point of view..
Shopping, eating, watching a movie, sleeping and spending time with your best friends and lovers or perhaps family can be fun. Making fun of your besties but no hard feelings are embedding in between. Calling each other cow for those who can eat the most. Laugh and cry together like pigs. Slamming to each other's face during sleeping after a slumber party or a masque treatment or whatever shit your can think of. Run like an athlete to show off when there's hot guys around.
Maybe that's for you. But I don't have that kind of moments yet. I want it too coz I'm not a loner. I just find doing things alone isn't that bad. People should practice it more often before they found the moments that I too, long for. Maybe in that way you'll appreciate more on the both sides, either with or without companions.

Title-less

I know how to be open and be myself, to whom and when. But I just haven't found that person yet.
Maybe I was stressed out but I hypnotized myself all the way telling myself i wasn't. Maybe I've concealed all the tension and pretended it wasn't there. So now it was bursting slowly, making me weak and meek. Really hate it. Hate myself for being so fragile.

Sometimes I spread negative aura here. It's just because I'm human. I can be tired too after being positive over a period of time. I can't just be everlasting cheerful and happy in this unfair reality. Hope you understand. I need a place to express.

Miscellaneous

Have you ever wonder are there any other living beings outside this planet, on the other space or another intermediate universe? We thought we were human beings and anything that is not a normal living organism is an alien. What if to other planets' inhabitants, we're aliens instead? I mean all these time travels, foresee future, dejavu, etc etc things, how do you explain it? Do you believe in it? Is it true that everything can be explained by science and technology? Do you doubt the existing of God? Someone once said to me, everyone on this planet is actually communicating and praying to the one and same living God.


The symbols of fourteen religions are shown. Clockwise from the North Pole, they are: 
Baha'i, Buddhism, Christianity, Confucianism, Hinduism, Islam, Jainism, Judaism, Shinto, Sikhism, Taoism, Wicca, Zoroastrianism, and Druidism.


Does is make sense to you that there's only one true God and everyone is praying to him in their own traditional methods? Is this an insult to your beliefs to suggest this idea to you? 
A lot may argue, especially the freethinkers and the scientists ;that no one has exactly seen Him before, no one has ever witness afterlife before, no one has ever been to hell nor heaven before. We believe what we feel is right, we plant faith on what that has been passed down on us.
We shared testimonies and narrated miracle incidents. Are those real? Or some self-hypnotism?
I don't know about it. I used to observe and analyse what is right and wrong rationally.
I myself am a Christian. Christians should be gullible and believe anything that the bible says. I experienced the feeling between Him and me, I agreed it was real. But every now and then the feeling will fade off, I need to keep going back to Him to charge up my desire for Him. I believe every Christians do, just matter of fact whether theirs are stronger than mine. 

Maybe you'll think, whatever outside this planet Earth have nothing to do with you, neither does it sound any appealing to you. But it's somehow interesting don't you think? What will the future be? With all those modern technologies and creations. Like in the movies, script writers are the craziest and most creative being existed. Have you ever think that what they write are what the scientists make real and possible today? Have you?
Fiction writers are somehow ahead the scientist. They fantasize of things beyond human limits, things that do not exist. But after years, we make it out and boast on the history of technology world. Maybe you'll feel the idea of me saying this sounds nonsensical, but it's just what I feel.

Like in the movie In Time I watched yesterday. Andrew Niccol amazed me with a slight shiver down my spine. He unfolds the story of new nation with genes that will not age after 25, but will just live for one more year after that. To prolong your survival period, you need to work your way out. Your salary is paid not by cash but by seconds, by minutes, by hours depending on whichever you worth. You pay your coffee and bus fare by scanning your arm under a device to deduct the time you have. A coffee may cost you 3hours of your life, a bus fare 2hours, etc etc.  The rich live forever, the poor die young. Is that how it suppose to be? We control the period of time we live? Or we allow the cause of nature to take place? The movie just make sense to me. No matter how hard we try to make a way out, we can't live forever. The price, taxes, interests will just kept increasing every time, just to make sure that people dies.

I understand people who are reading this probably think I'm getting insane or that I'm some kinda movie psycho freak. But you have to agree that sometimes it makes perfect sense, it's reasonable. We may live like that in the future. Worrying about every seconds and minutes we have.

Okay, maybe enough about the emotions over this issue. Lol. That's all imma gonna write for now. Ciao~

Supp

Hey bloggie. I know you felt left out, sorry lol.
There's a lot to update you about. The second and third mini project after my Lighting is Form, Shape &Space and Gazebo.

My Form, Shape and Space model.

Concept : Sea anemone and corals. 

Precedent studies chosen : Lilypad 

This is Lilypad, " Floating Ecopolis for Climate Refugees" by Vincent Callebaut

And this is my third mini project, Gazebo

Concept : Balance and Unity of our Multiracial country. 

To be honest, wasn't really satisfy with my gazebo. It's not special enough. I planned to do a C-shaped model at first but thinking it might look more like a kiosk instead. The concept is about a mother's womb, protecting the fetus inside of it. It's okay la, maybe can use it for my Viewing Tower project next time.

This is Jeffrey's model. A lot more people's are nice too. Just managed to snap this lol. Need to learn from many people. I'm telling myself never compared myself with other people like what Bill Gates said. 

It's a hard thing but I'll try. 

Next thing is bout my personal life. A lot has happened and they're all happening so fast. It's already month of November. I kinda lost track on the dates and things I've done so far. 

I just know I sleep very little these days. My beauty sleep.. And my eyebags look so excruciating. :(

Tomorrow I'll be having Building Services test but as usual ain't studying right now. I procrastinate till the very last min and regret that every second later. Ha Ha. 

I just wanna be crazy everyday, but the reality won't let me. Can you take me away to somewhere only we know? :)

Had dinner with Aida and Sebastian at a Korean restaurant yesterday after presentation. A mini self treat :)

                                                 

Aida

Mine 

Sebastian's 

That's all to say for now. Will have to go off to start my reading. Wish all luck to me for tomorrow. xoxo

Simply Complicated

Everything is twisted and turned for the last few days. I felt so suffocated..and dark..and dull. Like one part of me had been ripped off. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. So depressed and desperate that I start to feel nothing but a remorseful piece of shit. 

I couldn't focus on whatever I do. My studies, my reports, my assignments, my model. Nothing seems to fall into place and work out how I imagine it would. 


I feel so worthless.. So low esteem outta sudden. Don't sacrifice anything for me. I.Just.Don't.Worth.It. 

This wave of guilt just couldn't stop sweeping pass me and slap me hard on the face. I rather the one who hurt at the end is me, not you.